Pitching a Post for the Possible

There are a blank moments in my life. When I am devoid of thought and emotion and can find comfort in nothing. I stand on the balcony and stare out at a line of concrete built to house the 'corporate comfortable', while the wind just barely tickles my hair, so still is the evening. And there is meaning in staring at nothing and not comprehending anything.
The grass is astonishingly green in summers. It is a hybrid breed that has been altered to last through the scorching 45 degree temperatures.
I got up from the computer table and came outside.
There is a strange sparse (even, unpretentious) uniformity to the saudi kapis planting along the wall. Like weak soldiers that pretend at guarding my space within this house. They wouldn't be able to stand up to anything. Not even a strong wind. ... and on cue it blows.
I look onto leaves rustling and I am reminded of home. Everything is reminding me of home right now. I bared the last few months and now my skin is charred and pealing with little or nothing to protect the bone. Withered I crave respite to grow back a new hide to weather a few more months. And while, I sit like this I hear Alipur. I smell Alipur. I hear sounds that hark of home. Of familiarity. These concrete cubes fashioned for an alternative, ad-perfect life melt before me and I see mud house, eucalyptus trees--tall and graceful--swaying before monsoon winds, swings from childhood, the smell of the fresh rain on pebbled drives. I see so much and then my treacherous myopic vision restores itself to see what is here in stark clarity. And home is so far away again.
I used to taunt someone before that loneliness does not scare me. It is getting used to being alone that scared me. Maybe I am stronger now, may be the world changed but even that doesn't scare me any more. BUT it does pose a bit of a problem for other people :) I tire of their company too easy.
A pink hue is settling over the night while twilight tries to hold for just a little while longer. They say magical things happen during this time. I suppose for me the magic is just in enjoying it. That’s magic enough for our convoluted world.
Its overcast. For June in the Middle East that is unusual, but a typhoon in a neighbouring country changes the weather here. I enjoyed the day today. Made a chocolate log cake. Missed Burki. That was her forte. Ate most of the icing myself leaving little for the cake itself :) Enjoyed every second of it.
As I go about my daily life, I find myself increasingly comparing myself with my mother. Was it like this for her. Blank moments? At times just meaninglessness ... of/in everything. How did she fill it up? What motivated her? Did she do it the way I do it? AND did she feel like me?
I so prefer this semi-vegetative state to perpetual activity and excitement. It allows ME time.
The light has gone and the balcony light is now garish. The neighbour's sprinkler system is still running. No wonder the grass IS greener on the other side of the fence :)
My moment is up. Real life and its responsibilities beckon.

Comments

cellophane said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
12:10 AM
cellophane said…
This comment has been removed by the author.
12:12 AM
Azam said…
sister... send me nerudas... tonight i can write the saddest lines... please.
4:28 PM
Anonymous said…
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2:21 PM
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